Separation anxiety in children

January 30, 2021

With understanding and some coping strategies, your children will overcome separation anxiety as they get older. There is nothing to panic about it.

Now that the schools are open after a long time, children are going to schools.  Parents are happy that their children will finally attend school, but children have mixed feelings. Some children are happy to return to school because they spent a long time with the family, while others are unhappy to leave the home atmosphere and will miss their parents and their family members.

At the same time, the little ones are feeling separation anxiety, a normal fear, and a feeling of insecurity, one more time.

School time goodbyes in the morning are fast becoming tearful and tantrum filled each day for little children because they had become accustomed to staying at home during the long COVID-19 induced lockdown.

I remember taking my sister to her school for the first time around 50 years ago. I feel like yesterday that she clung to my foot like a lifeline and begged me not to leave her alone in school. At the time, I did not know about these tearful, tantrum-filled goodbyes made up separation anxiety. I define separation anxiety, as children’s common and normal fear of being away from their parents. The resulting behavior after separation from parents is separation protest. This anxiety is a normal part of childhood development. It can be quite unsettling for both the parents and the child. The intensity of separation anxiety depends on the bonding between parents and children and their sense of security.

About two years ago, I spent some time with my three-month-old granddaughter. After a long time, I was taking care of such a small baby. While caring for my granddaughter, I remembered taking care of my son forty-one years ago. I tried to remember my actions to deal with a weepy child. My son liked to hear my heartbeat when sleeping when he was tiny. So, I tried to hold my granddaughter close to my heart when she cried. That soothed her. I think she felt secure enough to fall asleep.  I realized she felt secure and slept when she could hear my heartbeat.

How anxiety develops

I think the first separation for babies is birth itself when they have physical separation from their mom. They come into a new place that is bright and noisy. If the parents talked to their baby during pregnancy, then the child gets used to their voice. I feel it is their sense of loss of warmth and security that makes them cry. So, when does separation anxiety set in?

Separation anxiety starts as early as eight months and peaks in babies aged 14-18 months—as soon as babies recognize their parents. Babies panic when they cannot see their parents. They crumple their face and wail. They do not yet understand the concept of time, and they do not know if or when their parents will come back to them. Babies will do everything they can to prevent this separation. I can see a few worried faces. Don’t worry because over time your child will learn that you do return when you leave. You have to understand that your baby does not understand that just yet.

It is a normal response for a securely attached child to protest his/her perceived separation from his/her parents as life-threatening. You have to understand that babies are designed to spend their time with people they are attached to—parents, older siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I am aware that most nuclear family parents have no option but to send their little ones to childcare and then to preschool. Now sending them to preschool brings another set of problems, the relapse of an anxiety attack.

Just when you thought your child has developed a little independence, the tantrums and tears come roaring back when the child goes to preschool. Suddenly your child feels insecure in the new school environment and does not know whom to trust. Your child knows that you will come back but still feels unsafe. That is when the relapse occurs. Fortunately, this relapse usually lasts only a short time.

What parents can do

So, how do you go about it? Here are a few things parents can do to make their and their children’s lives easier.

Let your child know it is okay to feel nervous. Give your child a big hug. It is always nice to help understand that his/her feelings are normal and that s/he can handle them. Always make sure your child has a small toy or a stuffed animal s/he loves to take to school. It will help soothe your child’s anxiety a bit. After your child comes home, spend some extra time with him/her.

Experts say the additional one-on-one time makes the child feel confident in the parent’s love and less threatened by the fear of separation. Ask the child to share his/her activities in school. Don’t forget to praise your child’s smallest achievement in school. That will help raise your child’s confidence.

The other thing is you have to be careful about is not to cave into your child’s demand. It is possible for a preschooler experiencing separation anxiety to regress in other ways. Like asking for his/her pacifier back or insisting on sleeping with you or even asking for a bottle. When you’re exhausted, it’s only natural for you to take the path of least resistance and ease up on the rules you have established.

Of course, sometimes, we all are tempted to give in, but remember that is only going to make things difficult for both of you in the long run. Instead, give your child extra hugs and kisses and play with them to distract them. This will help send a message to your child that there is nothing wrong and that s/he will get over with it. Dropping children off to preschool can be tricky.

While dropping off your child, be careful never to sneak out. It will only make his/her separation anxiety worse. Allocate some time to spend in your child’s classroom when you leave them for the first time. For the first few days they will be very attached to you, but gradually, they will start playing with their friends and not bother you at all. Sometimes creating goodbye rituals like five kisses on each cheek or exchanging wacky waves also work wonders, but beware of your body language during goodbye rituals.

That smart baby of yours can detect your anxiety through your facial expressions, movements, and tone of voice. So, try to be calm, confident, and caring. If your child cries, don’t scold, tease or get annoyed. Let him/her know when you’ll return in terms s/he understands (like after nap time or story hour). Try to be on time for pickups. Five minutes of waiting for you feels like forever to a toddler.

Finally, it’s natural for your child to feel anxious when you say goodbye. Although it can be difficult, separation anxiety is a normal stage of development. Separation anxiety occurs because a child feels unsafe. Look at anything that may have thrown your child’s world off balance or made him or her feel threatened. I am sure the teachers will also help your child get over separation anxiety. If you can pinpoint the root cause—or causes—you’ll be one step closer to helping your child through his/her struggles. With understanding and some coping strategies, your child will overcome separation anxiety as s/he gets older. There is nothing to panic about it. Rest assured.

How children become bullies

Published on:  January 16, 2021

There is not a simple solution to bullying. Children do not bully because they are terrible children. 

Bullies dominate, blame, and use others. They also lack empathy and foresight and have contempt for the weak. To bully, they target weak kids.  Bullies do not accept the consequences of their actions. They crave power and attention. Research shows that children between the age of six to eight experience an enormous amount of bullying.   I think all forms of bullying (verbal or physical) are harassment. It is a serious problem but those who bully are not born that way. If you ask me why children become a bully, honestly, I do not know all the reasons, but I know anger is hard to restrain.

I thought there was just one type of bully: a highly aggressive kid with self-esteem issues from a violent or neglectful home. But different conditions create a bully. Various studies show that envy and resentment are common motives for bullying.  They use bullying to conceal shame, anxiety, or to boost their self-esteem.  By demeaning others, they feel empowered.  Often bullies bully out of jealousy or because they were bullied in the past. There are many other reasons for children to become bullies.

According to psychologists, people prone to abusive behavior have inflated but fragile egos. They exalt themselves, and the criticisms frequently offend them. They lack the respect of other people and react to this disrespect by turning into a bully. So now, if you ask me, how do kids become bullies? Though it is sad, the truth is bullies begin at home because they learn aggression. Children exposed to aggressive or unkind interactions at home are likely to repeat those behaviors at schools. Parents, please be careful because your behavior influences your children. Parents, please be aware that your children copy the way you speak to them, to your family members, or the way you handle anger and use it on their victims.

Parents need to be careful because problems and misunderstandings at home can also lead to bullying. Children become vulnerable when the environment at home is unhealthy.  Often children abused by close relatives become a bully to gain the control they lack at home.  Their low self-esteem leads to an internal wish to dominate others in cruel ways. When children are comfortable with their position in a group and do not fear losing their status as a leader, they are not abusive. Then again, when they are insecure about their place in the group, they respond by bullying to cover up their weakness. When kids behave aggressively, it may be a sign of weakness.

Several researchers have identified other risk factors like depression and personality disorders, an inability to control anger and use of force, addiction to aggressive behaviors, mistaking other’s actions as a hostile act, concern with preserving self-image and engaging in obsessive actions which help create a bully. It is very disturbing, but it happens regardless of the type of school your child goes to.

Bullying is more about a bully than a victim of bullying.  It is hard to understand what the bully is going through.  We assume that they are disrespectful. When most of the time, they were hurting too. Sometimes, the bullies are stressed or angry and do not know how to express it. Most of the time, bullies just need someone to talk to. It is anger kept inside for so long, they need someone to express their anger. Try to make children understand that it is okay to talk to someone about bullying. It is challenging to tell adults about what is happening to them.  Children feel like they will always get in trouble. I am sure parents are thinking about how they can help their children.  We can not stop all bullying, but we can prevent it from happening so often. Research shows the various root causes of why children become a bully.

Humans are social creatures, and we try to fit into a group. So, if the group is of bullies, then it seems better to bully a person as others do than to be the next target. Here peer pressure comes into play. Sometimes children feel they do not have any other choice than to do the same as the group and bully a weak kid that does not fit into a group.  Sometimes when children are victims of bullying, they bully in a different area of their lives as payback, as revenge. They feel justified, relieved in their action when they bully someone. Often a victim for these kids can be someone weaker, so it becomes a vicious circle.

Some children lack empathy, so they enjoy bullying.   They do not understand how it hurts their victims. Hence, it is important to take care of the emotional development of children. Parents need to teach their children to feel what others are feeling. This can help to build better relationships with other children. We all know children need love and attention from their parents and other adults around them.  They need to feel they are cared for.  The irony is they do not know how to do it in the right way. When a child becomes invisible, chances are the child will develop aggression, and that includes bullying others.  Initially, it becomes a ploy to get his/her parent’s attention and approval, later it becomes a habit. A forgotten child becomes a bully, and to a certain extent, that makes them more visible.

We all know that bullying is based on stereotypes, and prejudices can happen anywhere. That includes schools, the internet or cafes.  This arises from the belief that some groups of people deserve to be bullied.  Every one of us wants to feel special and when one person thinks they are better than another because of their social status or for other reasons, it creates a type of behavior like bullying.

You are thinking, what can you do? That is because no parent wants to find out that his/her child is a bully. It is painful even to think that their child is harming other children. Well, parents can do a lot to help their children.  Make an effort to improve your child’s friendship skills because they are important indicators of your child’s overall mental health.  Help your child to overcome aggression because it is a sign of serious distress.  Your child may experience anxiety, depression, and having difficulty controlling their emotions and behavior.   Talk to your child and work closely with him/her to overcome their problems. The parents need to make their child feel loved, cared for, and important at home.

Parents, please understand that there is not a simple solution to bullying. Children do not bully because they are terrible children.  Children engage in all kinds of behavior, and that does not make them the person they are. Consider the fact that children are still figuring out.  They may be wonderful children who have made some mistakes.   Give them the benefit of the doubt. There could be a reason for their behavior. Talk to them and find out the root cause of their behavior. Talk to your children about their behavior to help curb bullying and also address the issues that caused it to happen. Parents need to encourage friendship and discourage fights.

The way to prevent bullying is to break the patterns of aggression at home and school.  Parents and adults are the keys to change.  They can create positive interest in all children and provide consistently and consequences for unacceptable behaviors.  Healthy emotional and social growth in children requires that they feel affirmed and supported by the adults in their world. Children benefit from knowing that the surrounding adults want to be with them and value them as individuals.  As children learn from adults who model respectful behaviors, they also discover the predictable limits and consequences for aggressive behaviors.

Bullying is a loss of feeling normal, loss of trust, loss of safety, and security.  Early intervention is essential for children displaying the traits that lead to bullying behavior. These interventions include teaching them empathy, helping them learn that feelings of jealousy, entitlement, and power/control can have potentially negative consequences.  A common reason children become bullies is the lack of attention from parents at home and these children lash out at others for attention. Other potential bullies include neglected children, children of divorced parents, or children with parents under the regular influence of drugs/alcohol.

Very often, parents of bullies are angry or do not handle conflict well.  Kids usually bully because they learn this behavior at home. According to writer and civil rights leader James Baldwin, children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they never fail to imitate them.

Finally, parents, don’t be surprised if I tell you it is possible that bullying takes place in your home and that you are not even aware of it. Do members of your family engage in yelling, name-calling, or putdowns? Do your children pick on one another or hit each other? If your answer is yes, then it is time to foster a positive home environment where the family members treat one another with kindness and respect. Bullying is a learned behavior that can be unlearned.  So, please parents, be careful what you do or how you act because it is likely for your children to copy you.  You can do that much for your children. Right parents?

 

 

Anger management in children

June 21, 2020

“The truth about rage is that it only dissolves when it is really heard and understood, without reservation.” Carl Ransom Rogers

Anger is usually a response to danger. It is also a form of self-expression, and sometimes, a way for children to show their independence. For little children, it is also a cry for help. During the lockdown, schools are closed and children are at home. They are not able to go out and play or interact with their friends. This causes frustration in children, resulting in aggressive behavior. There are plenty of other reasons for young children to be angry about it.

First of all, they are small. They are not allowed to do everything as they wish. On top, adults dictate them. Young children, three to five years old, perceive danger even if there is none, overreact to it and seek protection by going on the offensive. Their ability to stop, listen, and seek common ground for negotiation and compromise is very rare.

Older children become frustrated by things that happened at school, and when they are home, they stomp and yell to get their frustration out. You are puzzled and overwhelmed. Under such circumstances, children need to understand and expect that they will experience a variety of feelings as they go through life, including anger, and that feeling angry sometimes is normal. What matters more is how you handle these feelings. Anger is a normal human emotion. However, uncontrolled anger can lead to aggression. Aggression in children begins during toddler years. Their frustration comes out as aggression because toddlers are unable to talk and express themselves. An overwhelmed and distressed child unable to communicate lashes out, and becomes aggressive. Often parents consider such behavior as manipulative and act accordingly.

Children, like everyone else, get angry, and when threatened, move into a fight. When fear, hurt, disappointment, pain, or grief is too upsetting, children lash out. Since children don’t have a context for their upsets, even a small disappointment can seem like the end of the world to them. The frontal cortex that helps to self-regulate is not fully developed in children. As children grow, their brains develop, and with parents’ help, they gradually gain the capacity to manage their anger constructively in a healthy way. Toddlers and little children also need to learn techniques to control their emotions. If they don’t, frequent aggression over time can cause problems in school, at home, and with their friends.  Aggression gives way to anger, and anger management helps a child develop better ways to cope with angry feelings.

Understanding anger

Young children need to learn that anger is a name attached to certain feelings, and physical sensations, that come with anger, pounding heart, heavy breathing, and a feeling of getting warm. When children are angry, parents need to acknowledge and name their children’s emotions. “I can see you are angry right now”.  It is up to the parents to help their children identify their anger triggers. These triggers can be anything from another child grabbing a toy or threatening them; an adult thwarting their exciting plans or seeming to punish unjustly, or their failure to reach some new goal they have set.

Over time, with your help, they will realize and overcome situations that make them want to scream and kick.

In the process of helping children manage anger, parents need to understand that raising an emotionally intelligent child is a process, not a destination. During this process, it is normal to see progress in your child’s ability to manage their emotions one moment and then see it go flying out the window the next. As children develop, there are numerous ups and downs in their capacity to self-regulate. Parents, please acknowledge anger as a healthy and normal emotion for your child to express. After that, it becomes easier for parents to become confident and calm while facing their little children with big emotions and give them the message they need to hear. At the same time, you also need to set the tone of working with anger instead of resisting it. After that, you can guide your children in managing it in healthy ways.

Our anger is a powerful part of us, but that does not mean it has to control us. It often overwhelms and unsettles everyone. Children need to understand that a person is not a problem, but the problem is the problem. When a child thinks s/he is a problem kid, just because s/he always acts out in school or causes conflict at home, it’s harder to help him/her to make changes. To help your child tell him/her: “It seems like anger has been causing you lots of stress lately. How about we give your anger a name and draw a picture of what you think it might look like”. One of the crucial steps towards understanding anger is finding out how physical this emotion is.

When exploring anger with children discuss their body’s anger signals. When children become aware of their body’s anger signals, it gives them a powerful message that it’s time to change their actions. In the process of exploring anger, ask children to externalize their problems or challenges. If they are having trouble managing their anger in safe ways, have them come up with a name and a visual depiction of their anger: like drawing a picture of their body and coloring areas where they feel anger, and what they feel it might look like. According to psychologists, children usually draw heavily on the hands and mouth area of the picture. They might even state that “anger explodes out of my hands and sometimes throws toys” or “anger shouts out of my mouth with a really loud voice!” This will empower them to separate themselves as a person from their anger problems and help them see that the problem is literally existing ‘outside of themselves’. Thus, helping them to objectively problem-solve and gain greater insight into the problem or the situation.

Anger is often visible physically in children. Under such circumstances, it is always a good idea to have a safe and soft place to land to avoid aggression towards others and to improve a child’s behavior at these times for time out sessions. It is always a good idea to discuss creating a safe landing or chill-out corner with your child when they are calm and regulated. Choose a comfortable and cozy place with lots of pillows and cushions and soft blankets, toys, and other things that help your children to calm down when they are angry.

Anger is a complicated emotion. The more children understand how it operates, the better they are at handling it. Anger often masks other deep vulnerable emotions. For a child, it is easier to express anger than be ashamed, embarrassed, or hurt. To protect us, our subconscious sends in its defense team in the form of anger. The anger iceberg metaphor is a fantastic visual that depicts this for kids and builds self-awareness. On any given day children face different events, emotions, and stressors that lie under the surface of what is visible to the parents and teachers. Hence asking them to write what is under their anger iceberg helps them to think about it and visualize it at the surface level. When children become clear of their true emotions and stressors, you can help them to work through those emotions and solve problems and challenges that they face. This will help your child to make a list of triggers trackers.

When your child is not upset help him/her sort their anger triggers (something that upsets them) and what will calm them before it becomes aggressive outburst. Most kids who have frequent meltdowns do it at very predictable times, like homework time, bedtime, or when it’s time to stop playing. Help your children to explore different situations that easily make them angry and list them. This will allow them to develop greater self-awareness and make them more prepared to face frustrating circumstances through problem solving and preparation. Here is a list of common anger triggers, but the possibilities are endless. Being told ‘no’, getting teased, getting interrupted, not being listened to, when something is unfair, losing a game, getting stuck with homework, getting ready for school in the morning, hunger, someone taking something that belongs to your child, turning off video games, when someone hurts them. Have your child check the ones that apply to them and discuss both yours and your child’s observations regarding the items on the list. Have them add on or delete ones that don’t apply to them. This is a great opportunity to talk about your own triggers and show how they differ for different people.

Create anger scale

This activity helps clarify the fact that anger occurs in different degrees. Help your child make an anger thermometer. Mark with numbers 1 being the lowest at the bottom and 10 being the highest on the top of the thermometer. Prompt your child to think about the anger triggers and place them on the thermometer according to their priority on the scale.

When you face your angry child, it’s easy to lose control of yourself and start yelling at him/her. Unfortunately, when you shout, you have less chance of reaching out to him/her. Instead, you will only make him/her more aggressive and defiant. You might not believe, but if you stay calm and in control of your own emotions, you present yourself as a role model for your child and teach him/her to do the same thing. The other thing to do is to not give up. Don’t encourage your children to continue their behavior by agreeing to what they want just to stop bad behavior. When they have calmed down, praise them for their good behavior: for putting in their efforts to not get angry. Similarly, if your child is feeling out of control separate him/her from the person s/he feels like hurting. Sometimes a parent has to initiate and stop their children from becoming aggressive. While you are at it, also set limits and let your children know that you are in charge. Teach them to think before they act and also consider how they would feel if they had to face similar behavior. Understanding consequences helps curb aggression to some extent.

When children are angry or agitated their sympathetic nervous system engages, prompting rapid and shallow breathing. Teach them to use a calming technique. Most of the time children need to assure themselves that their bad behavior has not turned them into bad people. This is where apologies come into play. Apologies and making amends help them move from the guilty feelings that come from knowing they were wrong.

Finally, it is never too soon to teach children how to control their anger. It is difficult for young children to master these strategies. They will need your help and a lot of practice. Helping our children to become emotionally healthy and grounded means helping them to better understand and manage their emotions. When it comes to anger, it is possible to get out of the passenger’s seat into the driver’s seat very easily. That is why you need to present yourself as a good role model. Your child closely watches your ways of handling anger, and s/he learns from you. Letting your child know that you’re angry about something s/he has done is one way to show him/her the consequences of his/her actions. When you’re angry with others, you can show him/her how to recognize that feeling, stop the impulse to lash out, and look for constructive solutions. When you fail at your attempts to defuse your own anger, you can admit your mistake, and demonstrate humility. Asking your child to stifle such powerful feelings won’t work.

A key to helping your child manage anger is getting him/her to question whether aggression really gets him/her what s/he wants.

Managing sibling rivalry

Sunday, 03 May 2020

All parents want their children to have good relationships among their children. The best thing to do is to allow your children to develop bonds at their own pace.

I can imagine a household full of children, without the option of going out during this current state of lockdown. Schools, colleges, offices and everything else is closed, and everyone is home. I am sure the first few days were very chaotic, till the establishment of routines, and everyone found their corner to play, or to do their stuff. Still, the siblings had some level of rivalry and tensions among them. That’s what siblings are all about.

By the end of the month-long lockdown, even parents who did not have time for their children, have had plenty of opportunity to understand their children a little better. They have learned about older, younger, and middle-aged children’s personality. Along with the skill to handle unpleasant situations, and of course, mastered the art of negotiation
with their children.

Just the term sibling brings back plenty of bittersweet memories to people who have siblings. It is natural for people to ask about your siblings immediately after introduction. Questions like, “Do you have siblings? How many? Are they married?” Even now, I have no idea what knowing about our siblings means to people. I believe it is just a matter of natural curiosity. Then again, if asked, how is your term with your siblings? That becomes a little personal, and not everyone will feel comfortable answering it. The reason behind this is perhaps the memory of their dynamics with each other.

Everyone has special memories of their childhood. These memories often impact their decisions while raising their children. In my case, my sister is eleven years younger than me. I was more her guardian than a friend while she was growing. That was one reason I decided to have a small age difference between my children. So now they are much closer and are like friends. As my children grew up, I noticed they went through cycles of friendship and healthy rivalry. However, these dynamics changed as they grew. This is true of everyone, regardless of whether they were inseparable companions or in a phase of constant fighting. Parents need to understand their children’s relationship with each other as they grow up.

If you had siblings, you will understand it much better, and reflect on that knowledge, while caring for your children. If you do not have siblings but have more than one child at home, you can expect their dynamics to change as they grow up. My experience tells me that siblings can be annoying when they are young, especially when they are growing up together. Sometimes, comparisons and competition come in the way. Parents fail to understand that comparing one with the other is a bad practice. This reinforces the annoyance already there as an undercurrent.

I am sure, now you remember your children complaining, “Why does he get to do this, and I don’t?”   “Why does she get to wear a new dress, and I don’t?” “Why do I always have to wear old clothes, and she gets new ones?” “Why do I have to wear hand me downs?” These are just a few examples of situations you might have faced. I know I have opened a pandora’s box. Yes, there are so many things that can go wrong, even when you think you have done the right thing. It is often difficult to foresee your children’s reactions to your action. For parents, balancing their actions is like walking a tight rope, one misstep and they are accused of being partial. Parents feel they are being just, but their children understand these actions differently. For example, when the second child is born, the first one automatically becomes older, and parents start behaving as such. They feel this is normal. They fail to understand that just designating the older position does not automatically change the way a child feels and expects from their parents. Parents’ attitude changes, but it takes a while for the child to adjust to the situation. This often promotes rivalry among the siblings. Sometimes parents are responsible for the difficult situations their children have to face. Often the age difference between siblings seems larger than it is because of the heavy emphasis placed on the age difference throughout their childhood.

However, this difference becomes less of a factor during adolescence. They might even discover new bonds and similarities they shared while growing up. This is especially true if the age difference between the siblings is small. You will find your children locked in constant battle for parents’ attention while growing up. This will push the siblings to explore new interests, so they don’t have to compete with each other. Despite all this, sometimes there is still some healthy competition among them. I remember my sons competing on who would read the maximum number of books during the summer break.

As a result, I had to take them to the library every week to get an equal number of books for each. They were both avid readers, and they finished each other’s books, amounting to fourteen books, each in a week. As my sons grew older, they became good friends. This became more visible when one of them left to study abroad. By now, parents must be thinking, “So what should we do to foster healthy relationships among our children?” All parents want their children to have good relationships among their children. The best thing to do is to allow your children to develop bonds at their own pace. Parents can guide their children to foster successful and mutually beneficial friendship. It turns out parents can do a lot to help their children to develop a positive attitude towards each other. According to scientists, a child as young as two years understands the respecting people’s feelings and listening to each other and working towards a solution, under parents’ guidance.

It is necessary to instill some form of manners in your children, even if your younger child is a toddler. They need to understand the importance of acting properly, so they understand that s/he does not have a free rein and that they respect each other’s feelings.

Parents be careful and do not overlook your child’s bad behavior. Rather guide your child towards taking turns and model a way to be considerate and polite. It is always a good idea to foster teamwork among siblings. When you notice siblings competing for your attention, tactfully place them in a situation where they can be partners. The idea is to make the younger sibling feel included, and an older sibling feels protective towards his/her sibling, this helps build their bond. Always encourage when siblings form a team to accomplish certain tasks. That is another unifying tactic.

Allow your children to develop their bond at their own pace and implement structures that help foster a healthy connection. Just remember that a child’s interactions with his/her brother or sister shape his/her opinion about him/herself. Hence it is always a good idea to help your children get along and feel good about by acknowledging each other’s needs. Thus parents can guide their kids to a successful and mutually beneficial friendship. While you are at it, don’t aim for equality between siblings in your effort to be fair to your children. The reason behind this is that each of your children has different developmental abilities, needs, and wants.

Finally, keep in mind to respect the possessive instinct of each child. Forcing your younger or older child to share their favorite toys might breed resentment among themselves. Often the younger ones have certain things that they do not want to share with their older siblings, and that is ok. It’s up to the parents to create a situation where you can play along with your children. At the same time, also guide them, when playing as a team. Now that is something parents have well learned during this lockdown situation, right parents?

Your baby’s first year

Published On: February 29, 2020

Once babies start walking, they will want to walk all over the house, holding their parents’ finger, as reassurance and upon removing the finger, they will sit down and cry in frustration

Now that you have finally survived long days of pregnancy, and painful childbirth, you are officially parents.  You find out, your baby has already received the first dose of vaccine. Babies typically receive the first dose of the Hepatitis b vaccine at birth. Congratulation, you are now ready to experience your baby’s eventful first year.   Be prepared to face the challenge of sleepless nights, diaper changing, and regulating feeding times. During this initial stage of development, plenty is going within your small family. Nobody will tell you that when they mean sleeping like a baby, it means getting up multiple times at night. Either for feeding purposes or for changing the diaper. You need to understand that for the first few months, your baby’s daily routine will be all about eating, sleeping, and pooping.

Also, no one will tell you that as soon as you have changed your baby’s diaper and thought, s/he is dry and comfy, your baby will wet it again. Just when you thought you are losing your mind, your baby is already two months old and has started smiling and making noises. At the same time, you also remember it’s time for the next dose of vaccines for your baby.  These vaccines are critical for a baby’s health and hence should not be neglected at any cost. Don’t worry, although these shots make your baby a little cranky, s/he will quickly recover and continue cooing and smiling again in no time.

Parents don’t feel tired just yet, because, all that irresistible smiling and cooing is capable of melting a person like butter. Just keep in mind that this is an experience beyond explanation, and not everyone is fortunate enough to experience it.  While you were busy handling other chores at home, you almost missed the fact that your child is now capable of following you, with his/her eyes, recognizes your face and voice, and is happy to see you. According to doctors, this is the time to move your baby to a crib, so they sleep independently.

While you were busy changing diapers and scheduling feeding time and monitoring your child, s/he is already four months old.  Time sure passes by very fast when you are busy. At this age, babies find their thumb.  I know you are thinking, what’s the big deal, why is it so special?  Well, finding their thumb is a special moment for babies, because the action of sucking their thumb soothes and comforts them when they are frustrated.   Along with this, there is another significant neurological development: the loss of the wild and jerky arm and leg movements that were there during the first few months.  Now that your baby is four months old, s/he will start laughing and squealing and is very infectious.  This is also the time for their next dose of vaccines.  Make sure you keep up with your baby’s immunization schedule to keep him/her healthy.

You have been so busy enjoying parenthood you almost lost track of time.   With a start, you realize your baby is already five months old.  By this age, a baby’s brain reaches a maturity that lets them sleep through the night.  I know you are thinking about feeding your baby at night. Don’t worry, your last feeding is enough for your baby to sleep restfully through the night.  That is a boon for you, because you too will be able to sleep through the night, unless your baby is sick or upset.  So, time again, to readjust your schedule.  This is also the time to establish a daytime nap schedule, along with your feeding schedule.

Usually, babies wake up at six in the morning and demand feeding.  In about two hours, s/he is ready for a nap.  It is always a good idea to prepare her/him for a nap about fifteen minutes early.  Ideally, babies will sleep for two hours and then want to have milk and some solid food when they wake up.  Then play for a while and before another nap of two hours.  Just make sure your baby sleeps after every two hours of waking up. That will help your baby’s brain to grow along with his/her body. In between this waking and napping, make sure the last nap is not more than forty-five minutes.  Then at 6:00 pm, it is time for dinner, a rub down/ bath, and finally, down for the night by 7:00 pm. In between this eating, sleeping and napping, time goes by fast. In no time, your baby is six months old. By now, you know the routine pretty well, for your baby’s general checkup and vaccines.

Sitting up
At six months, babies will want to sit up and look horizontally, instead of looking at the ceiling, opening up a new world of interesting people and objects. Now is the time when babies find out hand-eye-mouth coordination. This enables babies to learn about objects by both tactile and oral sensations.  As you know, at this age, everything goes in the mouth. By the time babies are 6-8 months, they will learn to sit independently. Pretty soon, that will lead to crawling. As soon as babies start sitting independently, be assured they are not too far from crawling.  It is only a matter of four to six weeks until your baby makes the first move and starts crawling.  Their urge to get from one point to another is very strong, and this motivates them to crawl.

The other thing is, not all babies crawl on hands and knees. Some might start combat crawling, on their belly, like a soldier going under a barbed wire, which is a very common variation of a crawl.  Don’t worry if your baby does not crawl, or is late crawling.  Not all babies have the same schedule for crawling.  Some might crawl late, while others will just get up to walk. When babies start crawling, it is a reminder for parents to baby proof /safety proof their house, to avoid accidents. When babies become mobile, everything they reach and find, goes inside their mouth.  Parents need to be conscious and not underestimate their babies, because they are exceptionally skilled at finding objects everywhere, even under the sofa. While we are busy running after the baby, something else is happening. Their experimentation with language.

Love for learning 
In between sitting and crawling, this is also the time for babies to experiment with language acquisition, a critical element in a child’s developmental cycle. You will notice the random squeals and noises, slowly evolving into repetitive sounds. Of course, most of them are meaningless, but, over time, babies realize the noises that get an adult response.  At this age, babies start imitating adults with gestures like ‘bye-bye’, ‘hi’, and other such sounds. They learn to associate sounds with actions.

By nine months, most babies are mastering fine motor skills.  In the process, they will pick up the smallest of objects and put it in their mouths.  This is the time to complete your house and environment safety, if you have already started it.  If not, now is the time to do it. Your baby’s ability to pick up small objects indicates the baby’s neurologic developmental readiness to learn to chew.  Usually, at this age, babies will reject the spoon. They want to feel the food and then put it in their mouth. This is also the time, babies find out about gravity, and are truly amazed to find things dropping from their hands to the ground.  I know by now you are anxious for your baby to stand, walk.

Have patience. Generally, children learn to walk independently between 9-16 months. However, it is the result of many weeks of relentless efforts at mastering the art of standing, resulting in pulling the sides of your sofa to stand and then gradually cruise. Yes, they start with going sideways in a crablike fashion along the length of the couch, finally, being able to move from one furniture to another. This eventually leads to taking the first step. While celebrating your baby’s first year, don’t forget to get an annual checkup of your child and their vaccines.  The vaccination schedule includes another checkup and vaccines at 15 months.

The ultimate process of walking is often more psychological than physical. Usually, once babies start walking, they will want to walk all over the house, holding their parents’ finger, as reassurance and upon removing the finger, they will sit down and cry in frustration.  As soon as you extend the finger again, their crying will stop instantly.  By the time babies are one year old, they will have established basic receptive and expressive language skills.  Responding to call, saying simple words like ‘baba’, ‘mama’ and pointing to things s/he wants, are some of the basic things that indicate your baby is growing up. Parenting is not such a difficult job after all, right parents?

Let the teens sleep

August 17, 2019

Why do teenagers sleep more? Because they do not get enough sleep. But why don’t they get enough sleep?

It’s already time for school and your teenager is still not ready to wake up.  You tried multiple times to wake him/her up without success.  It’s been a constant struggle ever since your child became a teenager.  You expected with age your child would change his/her behavior.  It changed, but for the worse.  He/she started sleeping more. You are frustrated.

But before you go any further, remember yourself as a teenager. We all did the same thing. It’s just with time we forget our own activities. So why do teenagers sleep more? It’s simple.  They want more time to sleep because they do not get enough sleep. But why don’t they get enough sleep?

You already know a lot of changes are taking place in your teenager during this period.  These changes include plenty of hormonal shifts and significant amount of brain development that affects your teenager’s behavior.  This also includes a shift in their sleep-wake cycle, also known as hormonal time shift.  You will find it interesting to know that the hormonally regulated 24-hour clocks change their settings during adolescence, keeping high school and college students awake far into the night, thus making it difficult for them to rise early in the morning.  Parents may not realize that teens are biologically predisposed to stay late at night and so tend to oversleep in the morning. If they get up early as their parents wish, they will be sleep deprived.  This nightly ‘sleep deficit’ leads to chronic sleep deprivation. There are other reasons too for a teenager’s sleep deprivation.

Dangers of sleep deprivation
The use of screen-based devices reduces their sleep time.  Research has shown that teens who shut their smart-phones an hour before bed, gain extra 21 minutes of sleep at night.  Teenager’s hectic after-school activities—homework, sport, part-time work and social commitments—also contribute to their sleep deprivation.  Watching television, internet and computer gaming also demand more time out of the sleep period.  Unknowingly but for sure the light exposure also plays its role, because light cues the brain to stay awake. Especially during the evening, the lights from various sources like television, mobile phones and computers prevent adequate production of melatonin: a neurotransmitter, responsible for sleep.

Over time teenagers’ ‘late to bed and early to rise’ schedule can wreak havoc because of sleep deprivation. Parents and teens should be aware of the health risks associated with sleep deprivation during teens.  Research has found a clear link between sleep deprivation and teenage depression and anxiety. The study has also found that sleep deprivation also reduces brain functions further, disturbing areas that even well-rested adolescents struggle to maintain, such as self-control and judgment.

Sleep medicine experts are of the opinion that sleep deprivation and depression go hand in hand in teenagers.  So far as treating them is concerned, they would rather give teenager a chance to sleep better, and more, than medications.  Parents and teens need to be aware that, teens who do not get enough sleep, are more likely to be inattentive, impulsive, hyperactive, have difficulty in concentrating, ‘drift off’ in class, and get bored quickly.  At the same time, they might suffer from memory loss, poor decision making, lack of enthusiasm, and are often moody and aggressive.

Sleep deprivation might even make a teen more prone to risk-taking behavior. They are clumsy and sometimes their physical reflexes are slower, resulting in physical injuries. They might become more emotional and unable to perform well in cognitive tasks and tests because of sleep deprivation, thus lagging behind both academically and behavior-wise, because sleep supports brain processes critical to learning, memory and emotion.  At night the brain reviews and consolidates information received during the day so that it is easily accessed the next day.  Sleep deprivation does not allow enough time for that process to take place. So teens face problems during the day time.

Sleep deprivation can have a long-term adverse impact on a teenager’s physical health.  That’s because poor sleep quality is being linked to diabetes and obesity risks in teens.

Don’t even think about sleep medication for your teen.  First of all, they are not prescribed for teens and if any doctor does take the risk, there is always a chance of the teen getting habituated to it and abuse it later in life. Sleeping pills are not good for teens.

Help them sleep  
Parents need to pay more attention to their teens during this critical time. This is where parents’ help comes in very handy.  They can work out a schedule with their teenagers, so that they get at least nine hours of sleep every night.    Explain to your child how sleep makes a difference in their performance: regarding grades, sports and other activities. Also take some time out and plan a sleep schedule with your teen that all the family members can follow.

Take it easy during the weekends and let your child sleep until late.  Encourage early night before the school week starts, because late night the night before school week, makes your child drowsy the next morning in school.   Encourage restful reading habit before bedtime. Decide appropriate time limits for homework and screen time. Help your teenager to better schedule and prioritize their after-school activities to make time for rest and sleep. Encourage a power nap after school to help them recharge, if they have time for that.

Parents need to understand that a typical teenage brain wants to go to bed late and sleep late the following morning, which is usually hard to manage. You may be able to help them adjust their body clock gradually. Share information with your teenager and let them understand that they can take control of their life and stay fresh the next day by just following certain routine.  Some of them are choosing a relaxing bedtime routine; like having a bath and a hot milky drink before bed or meditating a bit to help your body to relax. Gentle yoga might also help. Avoiding stimulants like coffee, tea, soft drinks and energy drinks in the evening. Explain to them that reducing light in the room at night helps sleep better.  That’s because sleep-awake cycle is largely set by light received through the eyes. Similarly, in the morning, gradually exposing eyes to plenty of light helps wake up the brain.

Explain to your teenager the importance of following the same bedtime routine every night for at least four weeks will help their brain associate the routine with going to sleep. After that have them start their bedtime routine 10 minutes early for a week.  Then add extra ten minutes every week, until the desired time is achieved. This will help adjust the sleep awake cycle in your teenager. It’s a parent’s responsibility to help their child set up a comfortable sleep environment. Also make sure that the child maintains a regular wake up time. Encourage your teenager to avoid staying up late on weekends.  Let them understand that one single late night will undo their hard work.  Have them understand that even a half hour of extra sleep each night on a regular basis makes a whole lot of difference.

Finally, don’t be in a hurry to see the benefits of your child’s hard work. It may take up to six weeks of getting extra sleep to see the benefits in your child.  While you are at it, help your child avoid the vicious cycle of insufficient sleep that causes your child’s brain to become more active. Overactive brain is less likely to be able to sleep.

Teaching babies to sleep

August 3, 2019

We have been making the babies sleep in our own way but babies gradually need to learn to fall asleep by themselves. Sleep training helps them

You may be surprised to find that sleeping is, in fact, a skill that does not come naturally to babies as they grow.  I understand, as a new parent, you become so exhausted, that you fall asleep, as soon as your head hits the pillow.  Unfortunately, your little one does not have that ability just yet.  Granted, they spend most of their time sleeping, they still need to learn when to sleep (day vs night) and how to fall asleep later as they grow a little older.   So, until they learn that, parents help them by soothing them and calming them before sleep.  Sometimes singing and sometimes rocking them. Yes, we have been doing these things all the time to help them sleep, but babies gradually need to learn to fall asleep by themselves. That is exactly what sleep training does.

Yes, there is such a thing as sleep training for babies.  Don’t be surprised.  We are not used to such technology.  Our children just went to sleep whatever way the parents thought fit.  Mothers sang them to sleep or they were too tired and went to sleep and some cried themselves to sleep.   At the time we had no idea about sleep training. Sleep is very important for babies, that’s what helps them grow.  No one tells us how to make sure that our babies sleep well.

We tried to fit in our sleeping schedule with that of our little ones.  Sleep when the baby is sleeping.  That is what we were told. That is what we also tell new mothers.  Now we know, sleep training is not just good for the parent, it is good for babies too. So what exactly is sleep training?

Learn the ideas

Well, sleep training is a process to help babies learn to fall asleep by themselves.  Sounds impossible? No, it is not impossible.  People have been doing so for some time in the Western part of the world. The idea is to set a pattern behavior in a child to make him/her independent, so far sleeping is concerned.  No, it’s not easy.  It sure takes time and effort.  Parents need to expect their baby to protest a bit, accompanied by crying, while sleep training.  Some babies start sleeping by themselves faster and some take some time, but eventually get the idea of soothing themselves to sleep.

Actually, there is quite a lot of knowledge about sleep in children, based on scientific studies. Multiple researches have shown that crying resulting from sleep training has no negative impact on the parent-child bonding.  In fact, some studies show improved security between parent and child after sleep training. I know some of you are thinking, ‘do I have to give up my daily routine for sleep training?’

Absolutely not. You do not have to give up your daily activities with your child, just because you are sleep-training him/her.  You can hold and sing to him/her as usual.  Just try to calm your child, so sleeping becomes easier.  You can convert your activities into a bed time routine.  Choose a quieter place for your child to sleep. Consider using a diaper for your baby for the night. That will help your baby sleep better. Try to calm them during the transition time from being awake to falling asleep.  The good part is you can share the room with your child but avoid sharing the bed because of safety reasons. I always felt unsafe and lost my sleep because of that.  At the time there were not many options to have our child sleep separately.  Now there are options.  You can buy a crib or a bassinet for your child.

You must be thinking sleep training is being selfish on part of the parents.  I assure you sleep training does not just benefit parents. Parents do sleep well after babies are sleep trained, but the babies benefit from it too.  I still remember waking up multiple times during the night to attend to a crying baby.  I still remember the difficulty I had helping them fall asleep when they became too agitated. It is actually traumatic for a baby.  This is when learning to self-soothe comes in very handy.  The child learns to self-soothe during sleep training.  This helps the baby to avoid crying at night. Next thing you might be thinking is: ‘So the baby sleeps through the night after the training?’

Well to be very frank, no one sleeps throughout the night at one stretch.  Even we wake up multiple times at night.  We do not realize that turning sides is also waking up. Even pulling the blanket over or throwing it to the side, when feeling hot, is counted as waking. These movements are actually protective for us.  Babies are no different.  Even after sleep training, you will notice babies waking up a few times each night.  They may roll over, move a little or even make noises.  The difference is that after sleep training babies will be able to soothe themselves back to sleep, after each waking.  Now your next question is bound to be, ‘at what age can we start sleep training the babies?’

When to train?

Majority of experts recommend that you try sleep training when your baby is between four to six months because that is when babies typically start developing their regular sleep-wake cycle.  By the time they are four months old, most of them stop demanding being fed during the night time.  The other thing is by this age many babies are also developmentally able to sleep for longer stretch at night.

Yes, I understand your concern.  Every baby is different. Some babies are not ready for sleep training until they are a bit older.  Under such circumstances wait for appropriate timing to start sleep training.  The other thing you can do is consult with your baby’s doctor. I would suggest that you consult your baby’s doctor before you start anything new with your baby.  Just to make sure that everything is ok with your baby.  If you are wondering how it is done, ask your baby’s doctor.  S/he will guide you through it.

Finally, it is nothing new that I am talking about.  We have all been doing it in one form or another, all the time. The only difference is that no one has recorded how we did it.  Most probably you are already doing it, but not sure, if that is exactly what sleep training is all about.  If your baby is already sleeping through the night and self-soothing, congratulations to you.  You have already achieved it.  Just a word of caution though.  When your baby starts sleeping through the night, you will be wide awake all night initially, worrying about your baby’s wellbeing.  After sleep training your child, your life is supposed to get better, your baby will be fine.   Take it easy, will you?

Limit their screen time

March 30, 2019

Parents providing more screen time to their children in an effort to give them an educational edge may be doing them significantly more harm

The other day while waiting to board Qatar airlines I noticed a family rushing in to meet the boarding time with a toddler in tow. They were sitting just a few seats away from me. I was not paying much attention to them, but something caught my ears.  The toddler was repeatedly saying something that to me sounded like iPad. When I listened closely, I realized he was indeed asking for an iPad.  I was shocked. If a child that young knew the name and understood it as something to entertain him, I wondered how much time he spent with it. I could only guess it as partly working as a baby sitter.

I had previously seen new parents give their baby their smartphone or tablet to amuse him/herself with, without a second thought. This child had asked because his parents had introduced the gadget to him. It is entirely possible that the parents did not understand the implication of giving such a thing as a toy to a child that young.  The only thing they understood was, ‘if giving it made their life easier, why not’?  Parents are unaware of the fact that too much ‘screen time’ can hamper their child’s development.

Screen time is the amount of time one spends looking at the digital display of TVs, computers, tablets, iPads and smartphones.  Reflect and think how much time your child spends with these gadgets.  You might have solved your immediate problem, but at what cost?  Think about it.

Screen time effects
Growing research data suggests negative impact of too much screen time on children’s development: along with their memory, attention and language skills.  A recent report published in  The Journal of the American Medical Association links poor progress on key developmental measures including communication skills, problem solving and social interactions among children with too much of screen time.

The report was based on a study conducted at University of Calgary, Canada. The study followed 2441 mothers and children within the age group two to five years. The study was quite extensive. The data were collected at the beginning of the study, when the children were two years old, then again when they were three and finally at five. There have been many studies done in the past related to children and screen time, but this study was special because it was conducted over a period of time.  This study enabled the researchers to learn how screen time and development interacted.

According to Sheri Madigan, an assistant professor of psychology at University of Calgary who was involved in the research, “The results show that there is a lasting influence of screen time, especially when children are two to five years old, when their brains are undergoing a period of tremendous development”.  It makes perfect sense because every minute of screen time is a missed opportunity for learning and development for a child. Before handing a gadget to a child, parents need to understand that when a child starts watching a screen, s/he is missing out on an opportunity for walking, talking and interacting with others.  That is a sure risk parents are taking. You must be thinking, ‘but this is an era of gadgets.  How can one keep their children away from it?’

It’s a valid question.  Screen time is inescapable reality in a modern child’s life, with children having access to variety of gadgets, whether it is iPads, smartphones, televisions or tablets. I know you are not ready to accept it and will surely justify your use of these gadgets. I am aware of your dilemma. It sure is a challenge for parents to find a smart way of avoiding it as much as possible.  It’s just that, too much of screen time at the worst possible age, can have lifetime consequences for your child. Despite the fact that it provides you a much needed break from your demanding children.

The issue here lies in the fact that whatever makes tablets and iPhones so great (dozens of stimuli at your fingertips, and the ability to process multiple actions simultaneously) is exactly the thing that a young brains do not need at a time when they are very young. Now you must be thinking, why?  Let me explain it a bit. I am sure you have seen some babies trying to ‘swipe’ a photograph, or punch their fingers onto a picture book, as if it was a touchscreen.  You must be thinking the baby is pretty smart and cute.  Yes, it may seem smart or cute, but this points to a very serious activity in the child’s brain: an internalization of the fact that all actions have an immediate effect, and that all stimuli bring forward a quick response.

When every finger swipe brings a response of colors, shapes and sounds a child’s brain responds gleefully with the neurotransmitter dopamine: the key component associated with feelings of pleasure. So when dopamine hits the brain, a child can feel almost addictive. Hence when a child gets too used to an immediate stimuli response, s/he will learn to always prefer smartphone-style interaction—immediate gratification and response— instead of real-world connection. Despite the dangers these gadgets pose during early years of a child, they are still pretty much beneficial after a certain age.  According to the doctors, once the child crosses two years, limited exposure is ok.  The operative still is limited, maximum of one hour. This will help develop coordination, improve quick responses and in some cases also sharpen language skills, if the gadget is used properly under supervision of the parents. Still using smartphone should be minimum.  Just remember it can never stand in for real life interactions. Despite everything, using these gadgets is not always bad.

Wean the kids
The market is flooded with educational apps and TV shows that are beneficial to the children to sharpen their developing brains and sharpen their communication skills. Still parents need to be very careful. Several troubling studies connect delayed cognitive development in very young children with extended exposure to electronic media.  There are a few things parents can do to make the best use of the available gadgets for their children.

For starters make sure your child does not spend exceeding large amount of time in front of electronic media. Combined with this I request you not to let your two year old play regularly with your iPad or have toys that involve touch screen.  Please do understand, between birth and age three, a child’s brain develops very quickly and is very sensitive to the environment around them.  This period is also called the critical period, because the changes taking place in the brain during these first years become the permanent foundation upon which all later brain function is built. So if the damage takes place during these crucial periods, its result can affect the child forever.

Finally, those parents who opt for providing more screen time to their children in an effort to give them an educational edge may be doing significantly more harm than good to their children.   If you are indeed doing so, please allocate screen time for your children according to their age and their need.  You also need to make a plan as to how the gadgets are used, where they are used, how long and for what purpose. It’s really up to you to cultivate healthy habits regarding the use of these devices. My advice to the parents is to remember to power off your gadgets regularly to help your children understand the clear boundaries between real life and the virtual world.  That is not very difficult, right parents?

Communicating with teens

 May 12, 2018

Preteens and teens are very much like us.  They too have good days and bad days; we need to acknowledge that fact.

Communication is the magic to improving relationships, but communicating with teenagers is tricky. When it comes to starting a conversation with teenagers, many parents have no clue as to where to start. I know almost everyone feels uncomfortable sometimes initiating a conversation.

Especially with someone new, but parents know their children from childhood, so why the problem?  Understandable.  When their children were small, both parents and children were not bothered by whatever was happening. But when children start growing, both parents and children become self-conscious of the changes taking place, especially when the children reach preteen stage with onset of changes within them.

This change results in the child becoming more withdrawn, confused and the feeling of awkwardness sets in.  Parents somehow manage to communicate with a preteen, but with each day passing, it becomes more and more difficult. The most difficult time for a parent is when their child becomes a teenager.   Now is the time for parents to adjust to their children’s needs at a different level.

Even if you are busy make time for teenagers. Never give impression that other things are   more important.

For a parent, this is likely to be the most painful part of their child’s growing up the process. Yes, even those children, who were previously happy, cheerful and willing to share their world with you, suddenly start to exclude parents from their life and even cut down dramatically on communication. All our sincere attempts at starting a conversation with them fail.

Talking with teens

Gradually for them all our attempts at the communication start to sound like an interrogation. With time they start loathing even the sight of their parents.  Unknowingly we keep shooting question at them like an interrogator. Our questions are more of a conversation killer than starter.  Most of us tend to use close-ended question like: ‘How was your day at school today?’  They utter a single word ‘fine’ as a response and that’s it.  Now you are stuck as to how to start another conversation. One of the best conversation starters that I know of is talking about their topic of interest. At one time I was my children’s cartoon watching buddy.

While in the USA, every Saturday morning I wanted to sleep in a bit, but my children wanted to watch Saturday morning cartoons. So, they would wake me up and I moved to the living room sofa and napped while they watched cartoons. I put in a lot of effort to stay communicated with my children. I read all the storybooks they read.  I asked them for recommendation. That provided me with a common ground to talk about. As they grew their interests shifted from cartoons to computer games and I adjusted accordingly. I learned to compromise and negotiate with my children.

I tried to be their friend as much as possible. I sat and watched them play computer games. I even helped them develop strategies to beat the boss in strategy games. I made a point to include my teenagers in all family conversations that they could contribute to. I acknowledged the fact that pretty soon they will be adults and so I treated them as adults. For me building a rapport with my children was very important. I wanted to make sure things worked out for them.

I am sure all parents act in the best interest of their children, but building a good rapport is very important. That’s because without feeling comfortable, they are not going to bare their soul to you.  That’s one thing I know for sure. Now parents need to make an effort to adjust with their children. Parents also need to initiate conversations most of the time. Trying to rebuild that bond that seems to have lost somewhere with your preteen and teenagers in the process of growing up is extremely essential at this crucial stage of their life.

Face the facts

The first thing to do is to accept the fact that life has changed. We need to acknowledge that children are growing up with a lot of confusion regarding the different changes taking place both within themselves and their bodies. Along with this their perception about different things is also changing. We need to understand and not tease them for that.
Preteens and teens are very much like us.  They too have good days and bad days.  We need to respect that fact.

It’s about time to give them a little bit of space and privacy they are seeking.  Accept that some days are not good for conversation.  Parents can always ask if something is bothering them.  If they reply in the negative giving them space and not prodding is the best option.  Just make sure it does not happen too often.

When my children were growing up, their cousins were also there. There were more teenagers than adults in our home at one time.  So dinnertime was the time they all talked about their day to each other. It made my life easier so far communication was concerned. It did not take much to coax them into talking.   Food, school, teasing their older cousin sisters, were all part of the fun that sparked plenty of laughter and light banter while eating dinner. Dinnertime laughing frenzy was our family’s trait.

While all this was taking place I kept an eye for opportunity to praise them.  I believe that a little praise goes a long way into improving a parent’s bond with their children. I learned that being positive spreads positivity around because it is entirely possible that there is a lot going on in your preteen/ teen’s head. It is always a good idea to look out for how we talk to them at all times, especially when they are not feeling upbeat. It is possible that something is bothering them.  It might be trivial for us, but for them it is a big thing. We need to accept and respect that fact.

Sometimes they might not be in a mood to listen to you, but talk to you. In that case it might be a good idea to listen to them. Parenting is also about being a good listener.  Even if you are busy, try and make time for your teenager. Never give the impression that there are other things more important to you than your children.  It is necessary to be careful to not jump in and give advice unless asked for.

It is always a good idea to help them work through their problems and reach their own conclusion.  I know this needs both time and patience, which currently parents do not have. Then again this is also the time parents need to be there for their children.  Give them priority when they seek you, when they try to talk to you. Just remember that turning them away at a time when they need it the most will make it less likely for them to come to you again when they are troubled.  Instead they will seek out other people and these people might necessarily not be desirable ones to guide your child. Thus they might fall into bad company.

Challenging times

Experience tells me that teenage years are the most challenging in one’s life. This is the period when a person’s experience constantly changes at all levels: physical, emotional as well as intellectual. A teenager is neither a child nor an adult. Thus the teenagers may not know how people expect them to behave, talk, think or lead their lives. That’s why; most teenagers feel very awkward and out of place when put in new surroundings and situations, especially when it comes to starting a conversation. It is our job to make them feel comfortable. Striking the first conversation is difficult after that life becomes slightly easier for both parties concerned. Talk about their favorite sports, their movie stars or anything that they are really interested in.  That is not difficult, right parents?

 

Let them sleep

April 28, 2018

Doctors suggest that children between five and 12 years old should sleep for about 9.5 hours each night. Some kids need more sleep than others

If you look up in the dictionary the word ‘sleep’ is defined as ‘a naturally recurring state of mind and body, characterized by altered consciousness, relatively inhibited sensory activity, inhibition of nearly all voluntary muscles, and reduced interactions with surroundings’.  According to Thomas Dekker, a famous writer of the early 1600, sleep is that golden chain that ties health and our bodies together. With our eyes closed, we feel that everything else is also sleeping but that’s not the case at all.  So what actually happens as we fall to sleep?

A lot! Your brain swings into action, tells your body how to sleep. As we slowly start to settle in and feel comfortable, we fall asleep and sometimes start dreaming immediately. Everyone dreams, it’s just that sometimes we remember and sometimes we don’t. Even animals dream.  Have you noticed your dog’s running motion of its leg’s while sleeping?  We are no exception.  We too move our hands or legs in our dream. Sometimes it’s past bedtime and still we are not sleepy.

It’s Friday night and most of the channels on TV have special programs till late night. Especially during the cricket season or football season, your children are glued to the TV. You remind them that it’s past their bedtime but they really want to watch it. Then again the other day they had their exams and they were supposed to revise their work but they fell asleep right after dinner. These are just a few examples you remember. You wonder why it is that way?

Well homework or studies are too boring for your children and hence they fall asleep, but watching games and TV program, sleep is nowhere in sight. They know they should sleep but they are too engrossed in the program to go to sleep. Sometimes, even adults forget about proper sleep when caught up with deadlines that need to be met or assignments that need to be completed in time.  You sleep in the wee hours of morning and wake up all groggy the next morning. As a result the day does not go well at all. Sounds familiar?  How can one forget the day after feeling at work?

I know that heavy, groggy feeling is awful. When you feel that way, you’re not at your best at work.   It is especially true for children. An average child has a busy day. There’s school, taking care of your pets, if you have them, or simply running around with friends, playing soccer or cricket or any other game. Some might be going to the pool for a cool swim, and of course doing homework. Now by the end of the day, their body is exhausted and they need a break.  After all this, I will not be surprised if your child just curled up with a comfortable pillow and a soft blanket for a nap. It’s ok to take a nap.  Sometimes children think sleeping is a waste of time.  I am sure you don’t think sleeping is a waste of time. I see some parents grinning.

Sleep rejuvenates 
Actually sleep rejuvenates you. Sleep allows body to rest and be prepared for another busy day. Actually every living being needs sleep to survive. Even your dog or cat curls up for naps. Animals sleep for the same reason as we do—to give your body a tiny vacation. If you decide to explain this to your children, they will outsmart you and say, ‘but fish don’t sleep!’  Let me tell you fish do sleep.  They sleep with their eyes open.  Isn’t that amazing?  Even fish need to rest their body after all that swimming.  Yes, the body rests when we sleep but what does the brain do when we sleep?

Some scientists think the brain is busy sorting through and storing information when we sleep. The most pronounced physiological changes in sleep occur in the brain. The brain uses significantly less energy during sleep than it does in waking. It replaces chemicals, and even solves problems while you snooze. While we sleep millions of body cells are repaired and replaced, and new supply of energy is built up to enable us to face the world the next day, fresh and invigorated. Even while we are sleeping normal bodily functions like breathing and heartbeat continue.  Even growth takes place.  Don’t be surprised if I tell you that children actually grow while they are asleep. So how long should one sleep?’

Doctors suggest that children between five and 12 years old should sleep for about 9.5 hours each night. At the same time some experts say that children need 10 or 11 hours of sleep each night. Sleep is an individual thing and some kids need more than others. I know you want to know what happens if we don’t get enough sleep?  Well, when your body doesn’t have enough hours to rest, we may feel tired or cranky, or may be unable to think clearly. We might even have a hard time following directions, or have an argument over something really stupid.

A school assignment that’s normally easy for your child, may feel impossible to finish. She may feel clumsy playing her favorite sport or instrument. This is one reason to ensure that she gets enough sleep. Researchers believe that too little sleep can affect growth and immune system. Immune system keeps children from getting sick.

Stick to the schedule 
We as parents need to make sure that children keep their sleep schedule intact. For this you might have to curtail your late night social activities too, to some extent. Just understand that without sleep both your and your child’s life is going to be crazy the day after. So parents the next time your child refuses to sleep in time, tell them that their brain is telling them, ‘you go and sleep, I need to start working. If you don’t sleep it will be impossible to give directions to the rest of your body.’  You will need all your creative juices flowing to convince them. I know they will not be convinced but it’s worth a try.  Right parents?